Husband, Wife, And…Girlfriend?
Traditional Vows, Non-Traditional Relationships In The Age Of Alzheimer’s
Here’s the story in a nutshell…
A couple gets married, builds a life together, and then one partner develops Alzheimer’s. How does this life-altering diagnosis affect the dynamics of a marriage?
This is the “sickness” part of the “in sickness and in health” vows most couples recite on their wedding day, right? In the march towards the wedding day, most young couples don’t give much thought to the various way sickness could play out though. Sure, you’ll take care of each other when a cold comes along — that’s a given. If one is hospitalized, you’ll be right there at their bedside. If they develop a disability, you’ll be there to help in whatever capacity they want and need.
BUT…what happens when you’re relatively young and your partner is no longer able to have sex (at least not in the ways you’ve become accustomed). What happens when dementia, a traumatic brain injury, or Alzheimer’s leaves your partner physically able to engage in intercourse but unable to recognize you, their long-time beloved spouse.
With more people living longer and with the improved medical treatment of military veterans and accident victims, this is a possibility that more and more people may have to experience. Just as it’s important to discuss end-of-life decisions such as treatment options and funeral wishes, it’s important for life partners to know each other’s feeling on “now what?”
The Issue, Magnified By Celebrity And Wealth
This particular case involves two wealthy people, so (of course)everyone has an opinion of whether the decisions made are morally acceptable.
I think there are several intertwined issues, and there’s something about the public outrage that rings somewhat hollow (to me, and I’m willing to be corrected).
- Is the issue that the new girlfriend is slightly younger and white?
- Is it that he’s publicly sharing the situation? (Even though as public figures, there’s no way he could have kept the new relationship under wraps unless he treated her like a dirty secret. And even then, there’s no guarantee or privacy.)
- Is it because Smith’s physical health gives the mistaken appearance that she’s still able to be a marital partner?
- Is it the fact that he’s sharing his story on his podcast (which is about being a caretaker)?
- Is it the reality show? (In which case, are they also upset about Ozzy Osbourne having had a show while being mentally diminished?)
- Is it the fact that Smith was the public face of their empire, so they have the mistake perception that he’s using “her” money while being with the girlfriend?
- Is it about Gadsby choosing to live in a non-traditional arrangement of which they disapprove?
Their businesses were built together. Though it’s her name and image out front being the public face, they were full partners in both marriage and business. This isn’t a case of a gold-digger living high off their incapacitated spouse.
What’s Loving? What’s Humane?
Given that, Gadsby could divorce Smith, set up her half of the money as trust for her care, and ship her off to an institution. That would certainly provide a clean break so that “moving on” isn’t interpreted as infidelity . Or, he could have stayed “monogamous” by attempting to continue a sexual relationship with his wife despite her inability to recognize him or fully consent to physical intimacy.
My guess is that Gadsby and Smith no longer have a sexual relationship. (If her disease has progressed far enough to not recognize loved ones, she wouldn’t possess the faculties to consent.) And they likely don’t share a bedroom for the same reason. (Can you imagine waking up in bed with someone you think is a stranger or worse, being in the middle of sex and suddenly not knowing where you are, who you are, or who your partner is?)
Neither of those options seems very loving towards a partner — abandoning her or trying to continue conjugal relations with her .
To my mind, Gadsby’s continuing to give Smith loving care in the least restrictive environment possible — at home — because she doesn’t really need full-time nursing care. He’s interpreted his vows to mean that he’s going to be by her side no matter what and he’ll ensure she’s comfortable. The nature of their relationship must change given the circumstances.
Admittedly, his decision isn’t for everyone, but I respect his right to make it. Early-onset Alzheimer's is tragic for the entire family, and the patient’s care and comfort should come first. But I can’t begrudge a spouse’s desire to have a romantic partner that can lighten the load of caring for their spouse. And as someone who occasionally writes about my mental health publicly, I applaud his willingness to share his experience to bring attention to the struggles of caregivers and destigmatize the path he’s taken.
Again, it’s probably not the choice most people would make (at least not publicly), but it has brought to light an important discussion that all couples should have while they’re both able to make lucid decisions.
Plenty of people never date or remarry after a partner dies. Others do. Neither choice is indicative of the sincerity nor the depth of the love they shared with their spouse. Now, for those who do find companionship, society may voice an opinion on how soon is too soon to move on, but they’re unlikely to protest the “moving on” itself.
What do you think?
Are vows of fidelity iron-clad regardless of extenuating circumstances? Is it okay for couples to renegotiate the terms of their relationship?
Does “’til death do us part” mean literal death or when your partner no longer recognizes you or your relationship?
Are dementia and Alzheimer’s legitimate reasons to begin dating again, or are they an excuse to basically cheat?
What are your expectations of marriage if one of you is no longer mentally able to be an equal partner?
And what are our expectations of how other couples handle their end of life decisions? Is it any of our business if they choose a path that’s not the same as our own?
Join the discussion below…
